my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
