Just cropdusted the office
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
