watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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