Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i dont even know how to be here
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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