This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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