who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
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