we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
