it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
