And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I deserve this hangover.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
