sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
