Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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