He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
