ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
