Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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