She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
