Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
