i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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