Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
