I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i now understand why vodka
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
