I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
