We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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