Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Randomize
