He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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