Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
