All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
