why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
