I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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