I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
