This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
