My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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