That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
