This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
