I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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