Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
