do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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