One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
