I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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