The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
