after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
