If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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