And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
