I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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