you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
