God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
