Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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