I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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