I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
