Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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