His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
