I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
